Why Proverbs 31 Isn't Just for Married Women

You know, it stunned me that I could possibly feel like a third-wheel while reading the Bible, but it actually happened the other day.

I've been doing a study on Proverbs 31 called "Discovering the Treasures of a Godly Woman" by Elizabeth George. The study is beautiful and fantastic, and I am learning more than I have about this short, yet rich passage.
However, despite the beauty and practicality of this passage, I found myself discouraged.
Everything I read seemed to be focused on a married woman. A wife. A mother.
A woman who had already established her position in a home.
Overall, I could tell that George tried to include every woman in the study, but despite her efforts, the passage itself focused on what it would focus on.

"Well that's great. Even the Bible is leaving me out. How am I supposed to know how to be a godly woman if all of the information I'm given is solely for a married woman? I'm not married, so this isn't even practical to me."
Those were my thoughts, but I realize now how completely false and dangerous those thoughts were.

So I'm not married. Big deal. The Bible doesn't say you need to be married to live a godly life focused on serving the LORD.
In fact, Paul, the most famous missionary of all time, was unmarried, and I can guarantee that not all women of the early churches were married. That's simply not realistic.
It is an absolute lie to believe that as a woman, I lack purpose if I'm unmarried or that I simply cannot be a "woman of virtue" without a family to "be virtuous to."
Being a woman of virtue doesn't happen over night, and it doesn't happen the moment you get married. In fact, if my sources (many of my married friends) are correct, once married, it's even harder to change bad habits and adjust flawed mentalities.
Proverbs 31 is not just a guide to get out of bad habits as a current wife, but rather it is a chance to become a woman of virtue before a marriage begins, establishing godly mentalities and habits prior to the commitment of marriage.
That's not to say that one who learns of Proverbs 31 after they are already married cannot become this sort of woman of virtue, but I do believe it is much easier to begin godly characteristics from the start rather than have to change out of ungodly characteristics.

In a way, these sort of passages are here to protect us from danger and guide us onto the path worth following. The Bible does not seek to leave us out but rather to prepare us for the coming stage.
It won't be easy to become the woman that is described in this passage, but at least I have the time to learn and grow.

I'm not married, but I'm not ready to be, which I so brutally learned from this passage.
There's a long ways to go before I become the woman that is described in Proverbs 31, and I'm thankful for the time God has given to me to reach that point.

Five Times a Bridesmaid: Lies I Have Believed

Next weekend, I will be in my 5th wedding. That's not to say that I haven't been to many, many more weddings. Five is only the number that I have happened to have been a bridesmaid/maid of honor in. It was fun the first few times, especially when I was younger. 
Don't misunderstand me, I am always so happy for the couple on their wedding day-- their faces glow and they're in their own land of bliss. It's sweet and precious, and I'm glad they're experiencing that.

However, I feel like the "always a bridesmaid" concept has simply fed the fire of lies that I tend to believe as a single female. Lies that I probably will continue to fight even beyond my singleness. Lies that I must fight against daily with God's strength.

So, if you're anything like me, you believe lies.
Why do we believe these lies?
Maybe it's because we are weak, failing to recognize our identity in Christ.
Maybe it's because we enjoy copping out, and simply use the lies as excuses to be lazy.
Maybe it's because we don't surround ourselves with Truth, that is, God's Word.
Or maybe it could be that we simply don't even recognize them as lies.

Whatever the reason, the issue is that we are telling ourselves LIES.
Clips from the world, clips from culture, clips from ourselves.. all meshed together to form the lies that prohibit us from embracing our lives for everything they are.

Here are a few lies I have to remind myself not to believe:

1. Nobody wants me.
   That sounds extreme and maybe ridiculous, but this is one of the most commonly believed lies in my life. I tell myself that if I'm still single, that must mean I'm undesirable.
   "Nobody has chosen me."
   Well, friends, I can tell you right now, that the LORD has dubbed this "LIE."
   Why? Because He has made it clear THROUGHOUT His Word how much He truly loves me. It honestly brings tears to my eyes. Beyond the fact that there are human beings who do love me (despite my buying into the falsehoods that say otherwise), I have the affections of the One who truly knows love- my Creator. Even if I do have a loving family and loving friends-- even if I were to have a man that "wanted" me-- that really isn't the full measure of love. As I discussed in one of my other blogs, Jesus Christ is the Creator of LOVE, and love received from all other human beings has simply been "hand-me-down love." It's still a beautiful thing to be loved by humans, but nothing compares to the Love of God.
2. I will always be a bridesmaid.
   I've realized recently that most lies we believe are pretty bizarre when we really think about them. Nonetheless, it's there.
   That fear that we'll always just "be there." No significant role, just existent. That is one of my largest fears. To just "exist." And one lie I constantly swallow is that this idea is a reality. That my existence is meaningless.
   Here's where it gets tricky. Though not true in regards to being a child of God and being given purpose for His kingdom, it is however true, in that, it's not about me. We're not the main characters, we're just supporting roles. We are just subplots.
   To Jesus Christ, I'm not just the bridesmaid. I'm His bride. A bride that He believed was worth sacrificing Himself for. But this story isn't about the bride- it's about the groom.
   It's about His heroic actions, His selfless sacrifice, His fearless conquering, His beautiful return.
3. If my friends are getting married now, that means I should be too.
   I've already written a whole post about this, so you can read that here if you are interested in hearing more about that.
4. If I'm still single, I'm failing to meet the world's timeline.
   Although the world does not encourage marriage- in fact, many think it's old fashioned and meaningless- they do encourage relationships. All sorts of interesting relationships, whether Biblical or not. "Just find someone who makes you happy." (Ok, that's not a bad thing, but it is when morality is compromised and God's Word is ignored.) 
   I'm 21, and, by the world's standards, I should have a boyfriend right now. If I don't have a boyfriend, I should at least be flirting with guys and doing what I want when I want.
   Well, according to the world, I'm failing. I don't go flirt with random guys. I don't just pursue guys because I want to or because I can. To the world, I am a failure of a female. I'm not conquering my independence, single or not, and to the world, I'm not taking advantage of my womanhood.
   Well world, I'd rather fail on your standards than fail on God's. I guess the whole "I'm failing the world" idea is not really a lie but rather a seemingly negative truth. In reality, this is a truth that might be difficult to swallow but necessary in order to maintain a holy relationship with God. It's something that I need to realize is positive. I need to unbrainwash myself from the world.
5. I'm behind in life.
   I find myself not only believing this, but also rushing myself through life and missing opportunities along the way. Instead of taking every moment, every circumstance, every point in my life and running with them, I get distracted and try to catch up with a non-existent expectation. An expectation that no one has really set for me except myself. The expectation that says, "I am supposed to be at this specific point in my life in order to be successful."
   The reality is, this lie causes me to miss beautiful moments. Beautiful moments I still regret missing. Beautiful moments that could have been incredible memories and experiences.
   Friends, this IS where I am in life. I can't be behind. This is my life. Right now.
   I must eradicate this lie completely, or I will miss my life.

Those are just a few of the lies, but definitely prevalent ones.
What are some lies you are believing?

Remembering the Good Days

Some days will be harder than others.

When those hard days come, just remind yourself that every stage has its hard days.
For the single, the hard days might feel lonely.
For the dating, the hard days might feel stifling.
For the married, the hard days might feel overwhelming with responsibility.

Each stage has its struggles, and each stage has its blessings.

The trick is, on the hard days, remember the struggles of the other stages and remember the blessings of singleness. Remember what makes the good days good and remember what you like about being single.

Typical perspective:
"Everyone else MUST be happier than me. Look at that couple.. they're so happy! That's the ideal lifestyle. That's where I have to get to be happy."
...Flawed perspective.
That's what that is.

No life is perfect, and, despite popular belief, relationships are not the source of happiness.
In fact, there are people in relationships right this very moment as we speak who are envying single people, envying YOU, wishing they had the same type of freedoms as the single.
That's not to say that marriage isn't a beautiful, God-ordained institution, but that doesn't mean it is the measure of fulfillment.
Abiding in God's will is the source of joy and fulfillment. 
If they are in God's will, then that is the source of their joy.
If you are in God's will, then that is the source of your joy.

Like I said before, remember what you like about being single and what about it brings you joy.

For me, I remember that I am freer to serve in other, less restricted ways.
I don't have a man to have to be a support to right now, and I don't have children to raise.
Right now, my attention is solely on using my abilities and talents to serve God, spread Jesus and minister to others.
That's it.
I mean, I love and care for my family and friends, but the only human being I am currently officially responsible for is myself.
It keeps doors open.
It makes things simple.

Someday, God may give me those added responsibilities, but until then, I am free to minister in a career, free to minister on my own, free to minister to my family and free to focus on my own personal growth without those extra aspects of life.
All of those things are helping to build a foundation for me, showing me who I need to be in Christ before I can effectively be anything to anyone else (a wife, friend, helper, mother, etc.),
For that, I am thankful.

Simplicity.
That's my favorite thing about being single.
And, for me, that's what makes the good days, good days.

To Be Pursued: Single Blog Edition

This might be more to girls than it is to guys, but if the men read this in a way that opens their eyes to the responsibility of "making the first move," that works too.

A certain renown Christian university chancellor's wife once encouraged a room full of college women, myself included, to "not wait for a man to pursue you. If you want something, go get it."
I believe those were her exact words, or something close to them.

Well, I'm here to refute that Biblically.
(feel free to click all the embedded links to see the Scripture to back up my points).

The world is filled with concepts that seem like good ideas, but they just really are not (because they're not God's ideas).
I believe that women pursuing men is one of them.
This is has been a more recent concept in our culture.. probably within the last 50 years, I'm guessing? Nonetheless, I believe it has suffocated many marriages, including Christian ones.

I once wrote a blog post about being pursued from a slightly romantic point of view. This post focuses more on the practical side. They probably have some similar themes, though, so bear with me.

Women need to be loved.

Men need to be respected.

Though those facts are typically known, they were fairly new to me (in that, it just recently clicked).

Those two truths are God-designed.

Since the beginning of time, He dubbed men to be the leaders of their homes. When Adam and Eve committed that first, infamous sin in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3), who was held first held accountable? Adam. Despite his wife's first act of disobedience to God, the man was first held accountable. Sad, but true.

Ephesians 5:22-33 tells women to submit to and respect their husbands and tells men to love their wives.
The truths are natural and God-ordained. 

In 1 Corinthians 14:34-36, women are instructed to look to their husbands for spiritual guidance.
1 Peter 3:1-5 describes what the character of a woman should look like: submissive to her husband, an example of the gospel (especially when their husbands aren't walking with God: ..."that their conduct may win their husbands") not focusing on outward adornment but on the inward spirit, "with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
That doesn't mean that woman are weak beings who can't say a word, but rather it means that we hold the honor of being protected by the man that God puts in our life.

Knowing that, I believe that women pursuing men is absolutely contradictory to these truths.
A marriage that is based on the initiation of the woman is a marriage that has formed a pattern against how God intended.


The point:
I often get: "Well, if you're single, why don't you go make an effort to be unsingle!" 
First off, the point isn't to get "unsingle."
Second, it's not my job. That's not to say that I don't have to mutually make effort in a relationship. That's not the case. However, it is not my job to initiate it.
I refuse to pursue a man because I do NOT want that sort of marriage.

1. When one begins a marriage based on the woman's pursuing of a man, they begin a pattern that minimizes the man from being the spiritual and emotional leader in their home. She has been the initial decision-maker and initiator, and who's to say she won't be for the rest of their marriage? I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling the "dragging my husband around" concept. I want to be led in my home, not pushed into leadership (just how God intended).
2. It's not our burden to carry. The man was given title of leader in the home and Biblically, we are the helpers, supporters and nurturers (Genesis 2:18). (Please see this post I read online for more information on that topic. Very good explanation). To add on the burden in a relationship of "spiritual leader" or "marital leader" is unwise, unbiblical and simply draining. It's not what we were designed to do.
3. By going and making the "first move," I am saying, "God, I don't trust that You can bring someone to lead me in a relationship. I don't trust that You can, and I don't trust that You will." I'm sorry, but I don't want to be a part of that, and I don't want to miss out on God's blessings because I was impatient, lacking meekness and failing to trust God.
   No, thanks.
4. When I, as a woman, take it upon myself to go "find a man," I am not respecting him.When a man requires a woman to take it upon herself to chase him, he is not loving her.
   It's as simple as that. We already came to the conclusion that men need to be respected and women need to be loved. By switching the roles of pursual, we are failing to meet the basic male/female needs.

In conclusion, single women-- let a man pursue you, even though that may in fact mean, *gasp*, waiting in faith. Single men, please don't leave this burden for the women.

Expectations ≠ Truth

If you're like me, about 90% of your friends are either in a serious relationship, engaged or married and having babies. The "having babies" stage has not really eaten many of my friends yet, but give it about a year or two. It will happen.

If you're even more like me, almost all of the folks around your age fit into the 90% (disclaimer: this is a completely made up statistic), leading to the "unrealistic expectation bandwagon" at your local church or with your mutual friends/Christians....

Me: "I'm actually happy being single right now! Praise Jesus!"
...a week later...
Church Folk in their 60-somethings +: "Oh. I see 'so-and-so' just got engaged. You're next, eh? *wink wink*"
Me: "Oh, hahah, no I'm still single... so it will be a little while. Also, I'm not Canadian so I don't say eh."
Church Folk in their 60-somethings +: "Wait.. you mean, you didn't find anyone at that big Christian school you go to yet? You've been there HOW MANY years? And there are HOW MANY students there? What on earth have you been doing there this whole time?"
Me: "....getting an education?"
Church Folk in their 60-somethings +: "Wow. You've been slacking."

I'm not sure if that sounds familiar.

I suppose my question is, why is it that just because everyone else is getting engaged right this very second, that I need to be engaged right this very second?
What makes people think that God's will for them is the same as God's will for me?
I am not "those people," and I have no desire to be.
I am who God created me to be, and I am meant to follow the path that God leads me down.
Just because Susie-Q is having a June wedding at the church we all grew up in does not mean that I am immediately obligated to find "that special person"  and then marry them that very same June. I'm sorry, but no.

....This may be one of the saltier posts, but I have a point (I promise).

Just because there are expectations, does not mean they are godly ones. To feel the need to "find a person" because of your environment, family, friends, society, etc. is incredibly flawed and will probably end in misery.
People's expectations are empty, because people don't know you the way God knows you.
People don't know my God-given talents the way the God who gave them to me does.
They don't know what's best for me the way my Heavenly Father does.
They don't know what my life will look like the way my Savior does.
They don't know what the LORD is doing in my life.
They don't know what He WILL do in my life.
People don't know.
I don't even know.

So before the heat of expectations get to me, I must remember Who actually KNOWS me and ask myself if I trust Him enough (or am I trusting people.. or myself.. instead) to let Him do His thing in my life.

I'm not a math wiz, but here are some simple equations to remember....

(≠ means "not equal to," in case you're even worse at math than I am)

My life ≠ someone else's life.

God's will for my life ≠ God's will for someone else's life.

People's plan for me ≠ God's plan for me
My plan for myself ≠ God's plan for me

My spiritual gifts ≠ My brother/sister in Christ's spiritual gifts

My callings from God ≠ My brother/sister in Christ's callings from God

Areas of growth I need ≠ Areas of growth they need

Singleness ≠ Failure.

Being in a Relationship ≠ Success.

Basically, 
comparison = misery.

How to 3rd Wheel in Style

If you've ever felt like a third wheel, fear not! You are not alone. "3rd-wheeling," as I affectionately call it, sort of holds a negative reputation. And honestly, I don't blame people for buying into the idea that is impossible to have friends who are dating or married.
I mean, I believed it too. All year long. Ok, maybe my whole life.
The point is, it is possible to have a good time while 3rd-wheeling.
However, this skill must be learned.

So although you may have this extremely painful mental image when I mention the term "third wheel," let's try for a second to push that stereotype out of the mind and attempt to appear in a fresh field of poppies.

There we go. Now we can officially start.

Friends, 3rd-wheeling doesn't have to be a trip on a greyhound bus.
It can be a joyride in a red convertible.

In fact, 3rd-wheeling can be pretty enjoyable if done right. Take it from a girl who has her honorary doctorate in the field of 3rd-wheeling. I even almost accomplished 5th-wheeling (this one takes a little bit more concentration and tact).....

See the girl on the left? That's my best friend.
See the guy on the right? That's my other good friend.
They're dating. I was the matchmaker.

See that person in the middle? That's me.

This, my friends, is the portrait epitomizing the art of 3rd-wheeling.
It is, in fact, an art.

Honestly, it's not like any typical art form such as painting, dancing or acting, but it does share one quality as the previously mentioned: it all stems from the mind.
If you think you're having a bad time, then you will.
If you think it's going to be awkward, it will be.
If you think you don't matter, you won't.

Really, the issue is, attitude.  (which I typically find to be the key to almost everything).

Now, most people that would see that picture would laugh. Or maybe pity me. I would prefer you to laugh. Because it is funny. I'm sitting there cheezing in the background.
Do you know why I'm cheezing?
Because I had fun with these two.
Because I love that my friends are happy together.
Because I am assured that they both will take care of each other.
Because God has allowed them to have a relationship that is glorifying to Him.
Because I love that God allowed me to be a part of it.

I'm cheezing because God has blessed them and, by association, I am blessed as well! Their relationship is a blessing to me.

Hey look! We're all cheezing!

That's the thing, friends.  
Other people's joys should be the LAST thing to make us miserable.
It's one thing if the couple is awkward and inappropriate (oh, don't you worry, I have many words for those couples...), but it's another thing when you just have friends who simply are moving onto a different stage of life and have been called by God in that direction.

Who are we to complain about other people's blessings?
We are overlooking the example that the godly couples are setting for us. If you have those unawkward, godly couples in your life- thank them. Don't scorn them for their joy.

Also, have fun with 3rd-wheeling! If they aren't on a date, then join them ;]. They still need other friends too! Adventures are most definitely more fun in groups.
Also, you get to be awarded with capturing some pretty awesome moments for these folks.

 

Photo props to Heather for this picture

Let's face it, folks-- it's not really about us. Even though we always think it is, it's not.
Be a blessing to someone else for a change and as a result, blessings will come.

Let others be joyful, and jump on the joy ride. God provides true joy, so don't let the awkward 3rd-wheel stereotype stifle the godly relationships around you.



For a short anecdote I wrote about a year and a half ago on being a 3rd wheel, click here.

Stewarding Singleness

The LORD has been teaching me a lot about what it means to be a "good steward."
Maybe that seems irrelevant, but let me explain.

In Matthew 25, Jesus tells the parable of the talents (which, according to dictionary.com is, before the year 900, "a balance, weight, monetary unit").

In this parable, a man (representing the Lord) goes on a journey, and he "called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability." (vs. 14 & 15)
  
Notice the phrase "his goods" is in bold. 
Why? Because this represents that everything we have (whether ability, circumstance, opportunity, talent, skill.. whatever) is God's.  
We are simply given the opportunity to be stewards of them.
So the amount of responsibility we can handle, so the amount God gives us.
("each according to his own ability").

As the story goes on, the servants who had five and two talents invested what was given to them and from the amount given to them, produced profit. However, the man with one talent simply hid the talent, making no use of it at all. (vs 17 & 18) 

The man came back to see what the servants had done with what they were given, and to the first two men he said, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’ (vs 20-23)
Unfortunately, here's what the servant with the one talent said to his master:
‘Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours.’ (vs. 24-25)

To which the master responds 
‘You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest....’

Now, ok. I realize, if you read on, this passage is specifically talking about believers taking ownership of their faith, and the result of people refusing to accept what Christ has done for them and invest their lives into it. Or something to that affect.. I'm honestly not entirely sure (sorry for my lack of theological training). Either way, it is not my intention to take it out of context, by any means.

I do, however, want to draw out a parallel here, showing you how God has recently used this passage in my life. 

In every believer's life, there are God-given responsibilities.
In our case, being single is the responsibility God has given us.
During this point of our lives, it is what God has called us to do.
The question is, are we being good stewards of our singleness?
God has kept us single for a reason-- we have tasks to do that we can only accomplish as single people. Well, are we doing them?

If we aren't good stewards of what God has given us as single people, we won't be good stewards of what God gives us while in a relationship. I believe that relationships are an extra lump of responsibility thrown into the mix which God blesses individuals with once they have been good stewards of what He has already given them. 

If we aren't good stewards with our money while single, we won't be while married.
If we aren't good stewards with our time, we won't be while we married.  
If we aren't good stewards with our talents, we won't be while married.
If we aren't good stewards with our spiritual gifts, we won't be while married.
If we aren't good stewards with our relationships, we definitely won't be while married.

Singleness is the time to develop what God has given us so that someday, we will be ready for more God-granted responsibility. 
Don't waste your singleness.